Oktoberfest. Is. Nuts

STOP LAUGHING AT MY WIFE, JEFF!

At first glance, Oktoberfest looks a lot like our state fair with rides and food stands and cheap amusement park games with cheap amusement park prizes and it even has that spinny ride that no one wants to go on with me. Now imagine the MN State Fair but everyone is absolutely hammered. I mean hammered. I mean vomiting at 10 AM hammered. The tents OPEN at 10 am, how is that even possible? And where are your mothers? Now imagine every guy is decked out in leather (not like BDSM but more like the vonTrapps or drunk Marionettes) and all the girls are squeezed into tiny dresses with their breasts popping out the top. When we were shopping for outfits, a sales person told Katie, "If you can breathe it's too big". Classic. Oh and everyone is talking in German. 

What appears to be a statue, is actually an animatronic lion that loudly roars and then chugs his mug of beer.

Oktoberfest is such an amazing cultural experience and just a huge party. It takes place in Munich so everything is very German but you have people coming from all over the world to celebrate. Every 5 minutes a song breaks out, usually in German but occasionally other languages including English! It took us completely by surprise when 4,000 people started singing "COUNTRY ROADS! TAKE ME HOME! TO THE PLACE...I BELONG!" That was very much the exception and we usually had to ask our friendly table mates what was being sung at the time. Gracefully they would tell us the German being shouted, and I would just smile, nod and then make up my own version.  For example "Ein Prosit Ein Prosit der Gemutlichkeit" turns into "I'm Prosting! I'm Prosting! TO MUTANT KIND!" It worked out okay. Prost is the German cheers and happens at your table about every ten minutes. Germans don't do one big cheers in the middle, they do individual clinking so everyone gets everyone. And they also abide by what Wayne Schmieg told me the first time his daughter brought me home for a family dinner, if you dont make eye contact during a Prost, you will have bad sex for 7 years.

Another favorite song is the bass-line to "Seven Nation Army" by The White Stripes, which is probably the easiest to learn.

In order to drink at Oktoberfest you have to go to one of about a dozen beer tents/halls and find a seat. If you think ahead, you can make free reservations at a table but those are gone almost a year in advance so most likely you just hope to find a spot to plop down. The tents open at 10am on weekdays and 9am on weekends, but some people start lining up as early as 6am to get in.  Luckily we were a small group of 3 so we found a spot pretty easily. Hopefully you like your table mates because this spot then becomes your home for the next 7 hours.

Ours were great and taught us loads of German swear words.

Here's how it works. Flag down your server, which hopefully is a big bosomed lass but more likely a large German leatherclad man named Toby, and order a beer each. There is only one type of beer per tent and it has to be one that is brewed within the city limits of Munich (Munchen). Referring to them as tents might be a bit misleading because there are approx 4,000 people slammed into these things. Some hold less but one of these behemoths can accommodate a staggering 10,000 people. The most important rule is that Oktoberfest is a marathon, not a sprint.  No one will be impressed with you pounding beers and if you're the first of your friends to finish your beer, it means you need to slow down. Each liter of beer is 3 of our pints and much stronger. Stop showing off and eat a giant pretzel.

Seriously these things are monstrous.

Protocols! You hold your liter of beer like a handshake with your hand sliding as far into the handle as possible and never ever hold it with two hands. Don't pour your beer into someone else's mug, and if you don't have your own mug, you'll be promptly asked to leave. You can stand on the benches but never on the tables. One of the more exciting things you'll see are idiots showing off. Typically people will stand on the bench, draw attention to themselves and then try to down their liter of beer in one go. 4,000 people then all start to cheer and clap and slam on their tables while you try to empty your mug. If you finish without stopping, you receive thunderous applause, but if you do not....you will be received by a room full of boos. People will throw their pretzels and trash at you if you fail, or even if you take too long. Our new friend Viktor said that people start to turn on you if you take more than 7 seconds. 

Despite having a dope hat, this man took too long and was pelted with pretzels. 

"Oh man Chris, your descriptions are so on point, I feel like I'm actually there, but what about the bathrooms? They must be a nightmare, right?"
Wrong. If there is one perfect example of German engineering, it isn't the Audi or the BMW, it's the bathrooms at Oktoberfest. Guys, you know those terrible troughs at sporting events? Well imagine 10 of those things slammed back to back. The line is basically nonexistent, BUT you thought it was awkward enough just staring at a white wall at the urinal? Well now pretend there is a dude a foot in front of you, doing his best not to look at you as well, but of course...it's unavoidable. It feels like that "meet cute" moment in every romcom when sexy misunderstood Henry locks eyes with artsy Monica and something clicks, however instead of being on a subway, you're in the bathroom and "Monica" is a 250lb drunk Austrian dude named Rolf. But you skip the whole courting process since you're already both holding your genitals. Anyway my love for Rolf can't be denied and we're running away together.

And you will be going to the bathroom A LOT

Entrance costs nothing, even though they could make an extra $6 million if they charged even a $1 entry fee. The big news this year is that the litres of beer finally broke 10 euro, which has never been the case but you;re basically buying the 3 beers so we didnt mind the price too much. They also have free child care service for your rugrats* and fantastic security to ensure that no fights break out. We were there for 3 days and only saw one small altercation when a drunk guy didn't want to leave the tent, but he was ever so promptly put down by the police. Other than that isolated incident, Oktoberfest is a beautiful melding of peoples coming together, embracing each other in their shared love of beer, song, and lederhosen.

*My iPhone tried to autocorrect "rugrats" to "regrets". Clearly Siri has no patience for children

CM

There's a strong chance I'm wearing children's lederhosen.
Or possibly ones meant for women....ladyhosen if you will, but it's hard to argue with those legs.