Double Dutch

It's going to be tough leaving this place

After several months of traveling solo it's always nice to see a familiar face so the last couple of weeks have been wonderful. First, Katie's parents Anne and Wayne came over from Minnesota to briefly escape what is turning out to be another harsh Minneapolis winter. This was our 4th time in Amsterdam but somehow the majority of the normal tourist stops had avoided me e.g. Anne Frank, Van Gogh, etc. Anne and Wayne had never visited these tourist attractions either, so we went to all of the main spots, but I would rather talk about the unique things we ran into. For example, we were one of the few people that dressed up for Halloween. The majority of the costumes consisted of one prop like a mask or something handheld. Luckily for the Dutch, Katie and my costume closet is at home or else we would have won every Halloween contest. Watch out 2015.

We basically run this town now so Anne and Wayne got a private tour

My favorite time with the Schmiegs was actually getting out of Amsterdam for the day and taking a train to Zaanse Schans, which is just as much fun to visit as it is to say. Say it with me...ZAHN SA SCHANS. Lovely. Just 17 minutes out of the city lies what everyone pictures when they think of Holland - windmills, cheese, wooden shoes and tulips (in spring). Zaanse Schans is deemed a working village which translates to tourists tromping through people's actual businesses and backyards while snapping pics and saying "Ooo how quaint. Look at their little lives". But it's honestly worth it. You get to check out eight windmills, there's a cheese museum with about 20 samples of their product, and a clog factory where you can try on legit wooden shoes. Honestly it seems like a punishment to walk around in these things but you often see them around Amsterdam. My beautiful bride insists the pair she tried on was quite comfortable but she lies all the time.

Anne and I often get into disagreements over board games. Although I'd be upset if I lost all the time too.

Anne and Wayne were in town during a folk music festival and one of the key events was a beer tasting during IndieBingo, the classic game but instead of a dangerously elderly woman calling out numbers you have a young emcee (speaking completely in Dutch), a DJ and live band playing alternative and folk rock songs. Now I think I'm pretty plugged into the social pipeline. I'm hip, I'm down, I've got the 411, but MAN did I come up worthless at IndieBingo. I was expecting more Fall Out, Jack White, and The Ramones but instead we got bands like Alamo Race Track, Babyshambles, and Jesus and Mary Chain.

Read the room, guy

However, thanks to the nice people around us and dumb luck, Anne got a bingo almost immediately after 7 songs but was too nervous to go up - understandably since we were relying only on the word of strangers who SHOULD be out for their own good, sabotaging those around them (what I would have been doing) plus anyone that went up with a false bingo had to stay on stage to sing a song or dance. Most often the victims were English speakers that didn't hear the changing rules put out so it makes sense to be cautious. Luckily I was full of beer samples and went up automatically in her stead. The bingo was true and suddenly a beautiful woman was shoving cheese in my mouth while the emcee loaded me up with prizes. By the end we walked away with a bunch of 45s of unknown bands, a plant (because of course), a Suicidal Tendencies workout tank (that's a keeper), and a pair of bright blue running shoes that fit perfectly.

Free preview performance at the Amsterdam Concert Hall. Fun fact. In dutch, the oboe is called a hobo.

Our next guests were my cousin Laura and her boyfriend Carl from Chicago. One of the things we did with them was the Heineken Experience. Now the Heineken brewery tour used to be free but then they moved the building and started charging 15€ for it. People were pissed because it was basically the same thing, so Heineken rebranded the "Brewery Tour" to the "Heineken Experience" and then everyone forgot about it. Give that PR person a raise. Anyway, it seemed like a lot to shell out but it was surprisingly worth the money. You end up getting 3 drinks and we spent 2 and a half hours in there being taught how to pour/drink beer, playing foosball, and going on an unexpected 4D "Be the Beer" ride through the brewing process.

In one room Laura and I got to try out our table turning skillz. Just call me DJ Mustache Wax. (Erra erra erra)

Speaking of paying for a ride, I know I mentioned the Red Light District before but I now have more valuable information. We found an arcade bar (WITH A BALLPIT FOR ADULTS) right outside of five women's windows so we camped out for an hour in the front window and kept some statistics. Four of the women were quite successful and kept pulling in suitors (with maybe about fifteen minutes in between johns), while the fifth, who was our underdog, came up empty the whole time. On average the men spent 8 minutes inside the door with the most at 10 min and the least at 6 from start of convo to hasty exit. Now brace that brain for some math. The most popular girl had 3 johns, presumably at 50€ each over the span of an hour which comes out to 150 euros or $187 an hour, but if you remove the 10min of down time and a minute each for conversation, she only worked 27 min of the hour so it comes out to $415 per hour worked. Now that was the most, several other girls only pulled in one or two men so the numbers vary. It's a fascinating and bizarre culture and so far, we've only observed it from a distance...for now.

Seriously. BAR BALL PIT. Get on it, Minneapolis

One of the nice things about spending so much time in Amsterdam is that we also get to find the small places that tourists don't hit up. Our AirBnb hosts recommended a local restaurant to the Schmiegs and I saying "This place has the best steak. No joke", and Loetje did not disappoint. Easily the best steak I've ever had BUT I did leave my scarf there and they didn't have it the next morning so out of spite, never frequent this business. With Laura and Carl we found De Keu, a sports bar that offered free darts and pool all night, although there must be something different about Dutch billiards because despite being 5 beers in, I was simply terrible. My wife, however, played surprisingly well. She and Carl wiped the floor with us probably because we learned that Laura has been shooting with the wrong hand for twenty years. Naturally she blamed this on me since we have been playing pool since we were kids. Maybe she didn't read the part above about where I referenced the importance of sabotaging opponents.

A midnight Canal Tour is always romantic. Perfect for cousins

It was great seeing our family for a brief moment but it's nice to be back alone where no one can judge me for having an all Doner diet or not washing my jeans for a month. Amsterdam is one of our very favorite places but sadly it's time to move on. Now onto Asia!

We'll miss you old friend.

CM